Annoyance

[poliphilo]

I don't like my father-in-law. I find it hard to be polite to him or even sit in the same room. There are reasons for this, some of which must- in the nature of things- reflect discredit on me. I've written about all this in the past and I don't want to go over it again.  Some people- all of them as far as I can see people of his own generation- find him a thoroughly decent bloke. I think the antipathy is probably deeper than the facts of the case warrant. Even if I knew nothing to his discredit I wouldn't want to be around him. Call it a magnetic repulsion.

He's been in failing health for several years now- and Ailz and I are the ones who have to deal with it day in, day out.  It would be nice if I felt something other than annoyance.

Comments

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

One thing I've learned is that I can't force feelings, either positive or negative, for anybody. It's hard though, when you expect that of yourself and can't pass muster.

[baritonejeff.livejournal.com]

As you might imagine, I identify with this strongly.

Yes, it would be so much nicer, and more rewarding, and far less irksome, to do for those for whom one has genuine affection, and respect. For me, the "respect" aspect is the most important - and the lack of it the hardest.

Everything becomes a chore, and a resentment.

Good luck dealing with him. You're "doing the right thing."

Wouldn't it be lovely if you could derive some satisfaction from it?

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes, you can't force feelings.

I threw them out of the house once for being particularly obnoxious, but they came creeping back.

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

Yes, I remember you telling that story here. Don't be too hard on yourself over any of it. It is what it is.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

They put on Ailz- even though they know the least thing wears her out. They expect her to run around for them and then- as today- when she's just not capable of it- act affronted.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Yes, I'll carry on doing my best...

[baritonejeff.livejournal.com]

They sound like lovely, gracious people...

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

It's one of those "games people play" that were defined in Transactional Analysis. If you find yourself saying "ok, here we go again" then it is a repeating pattern with a payoff for the parents, and you could consider how to stop playing their game.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I did a bit of T.A. once- and have forgotten about it. Thanks for the reminder. Yes, we are trapped in repeating pattern. One of the things we should have done- a long time ago- is tell them straight up what fearfully bad parents they were and how they needed to stop being so needy and controlling.

[sorenr.livejournal.com]

I sympathise. My father-in-law was an absent parent, didn't contribute even financially to his son's upbringing and only really entered the scene within the past 6 years. (Out of 32...) Also, he's misogynist, sexist and generally not the easiest of people to deal with when you're a person like myself who just wants everybody to get along. And NOT degrade other people!

Still, I keep seeing him, as you see Ailz's father. Because at the end of the day, it's not the right of a son-in-law to cut ties with the in-laws; that right lies with their child. As long as Denis wants to see his dad, I will see him and put on a smiling face, even if he resents me for not being a woman. And for speaking better French than he does, even though he's lived in France for 35 years. HA! Take THAT, dad-in-law! (I can be petty...)

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes, you're right, us in-laws have a duty to tolerate our partners' insufferable parents.

I keep contact with Dot and Eric to a minimum. When they come for their weekly visit I sit in another room. otherwise I might very well be actively, rather than merely passively, rude to them.

[michaleen.livejournal.com]

Sainthood suits you. I doubt the halo is ever comfortable, though.

We should cast a critical eye over our actions, but must never be so quick to judge our emotions. How you feel simply is. If it isn't pretty, well, that is just part of the human condition. Were it otherwise, it would be impossilbe to understand, and as a consequence overlook, the negative emotional states of others.

I face a similar situation with my own parents. It is bad enough putting up with their bullshit directly, but on top of that the way they often treat me infuriates my beloved, placing her in a very uncomfortable situation.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Saints don't feel this level of resentment.

It comes of having been a vicar once. I feel compelled to act nice.

I should have told them to "fuck off" twenty five years ago.

[michaleen.livejournal.com]

I don't know. If saints don't have to wrestle with something as commonplace as resentment, then doesn't that make their achievement a bit over-rated?

It is a genuinely tough call. You are probably right and maybe you should have told them to fuck off years ago. Then again, dealing with the consequences of that decision might have been worse. As I say, I face something similar. I should have told mine to fuck off, too, yet the challenge they represent has indeed been an opportunity for personal growth.

And I have difficulty shaking-off the Confucians on this one. Never has a benevolent man abandoned his parents.