Ooh, But This Is Bracing

[poliphilo]

Ailz just rang me all upset because she'd been talking to her father.  Did he ask her how she was? Apparently not. Did she get to know how he was?  Oh yes- and how!  He was in tears, barely able to speak- and his legs have swollen up- and now she's in a spin about how she's making him ill. Her mother is in a spin too (you can tell by how dithery she's become). I'm furious (well, calming down a bit now) but as I said to Ailz, I'm her next of kin and if I can hold it together, her bloody father can.

He's done this to her all her life,  the selfish, controlling, old pantaloon. You can't suffer in that family without him suffering more. "Don't upset, your father, Aileen, you'll give him a headache." And now, of course- now that he's really ill- whenever someone takes the spotlight off him he can scare them out of it by threatening to die.  It's amazing what power there is in weakness!

Otherwise,  it's looking like Ailz's trouble is being caused by adhesions left over from the surgery she had in 2005. She moved funny and tore or twisted one of them- something like that.  She's scheduled for an ultrasound scan, but it probably won't happen today because of the waiting list.

Comments

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

Oh, that sounds like it isn't "so" serious for Ailz, adhesions - I hope they can sort it out.

I don't know why you let the old duffer blackmail you both. Just tell him to shut up and remind him which one of you is actually in hospital. If he really could will himself to die, as a last, full-on attention seeking scam, that would be spectacular! Better than david blaine.

My mother used to take to her bed when I got a new boyfriend, or didn't phone her regularly (when I was a student and all the local payphones had been vandalised).

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's probably too late to stop the old fool behaving like he does. The way to take back power is to recognise what he's doing and not let him get through the defences.

People don't change in their 80s- or do they?

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

"not let him get through the defences" - easier said than done. Some people get pandered to all their lives and a Short Sharp Shock might just help them realise what they are doing. Besides, I have just remembered how good I felt when I had a few words with the HR woman the other day!

I have been recommended the Action / Impact / Development school of feedback. I'm sure if you Google it...

A.I.D.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

I can't find it... not even on businessballs.com... but the essence is that you should tell somebody:

whenever you do THIS (action)
it makes me feel like THIS (impact)
and in future it would be much better if you could do THIS instead (development)

Some people really do not realise their impact on other people or indeed that there are other ways of reacting than the one they always use.

Re: A.I.D.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I guess he's got me where he wants me too. I'm afraid of killing the old coot.

But I'm going to think about AID. I guess it can be administered in a gentle way.

Re: A.I.D.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

I think one of its strengths as a technique is that nobody can argue "no you don't" when you tell them how their action makes you feel - it is very important to couch it in those terms.

Re: A.I.D.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I'm supposed to be ringing them this morning, but I've been putting it off because I'm so angry.

[ooxc.livejournal.com]

Oh those waiting lists! I don't really understand about adhesions, but I hope that it's not difficult to sort them.
Can you persuade her not to telephone her father - or is that not possible?

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

After this morning's carry-on Ailz was talking about setting up an expensive hospital phone line so she could be in regular contact with her parents. I think I managed to persuade her that this is the last thing she needs.

[ooxc.livejournal.com]

I really hope that you did - but apologies if I've completely misread the situation

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

she rang him this morning- and he unloaded all this emotional stuff on her. I think I've persuaded her not to do that again. I feel a little sorry for her mother who (a) has a daughter in hospital and (b) a husband who is behaving like a great big baby.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

Ailz's father and my mother (now long deceased) plainly went to the same school of emotional manipulation.

Glad to hear that she's doing all right at the moment and the diagnosis is progressing! Much love to you both.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people went to that school.

Don't do that, it makes mommy/daddy cry is a lot more cunning- and cowardly- a way of holding a person down than forthright tyranny.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

"Don't go out on a date/to an event at church/to your choir rehearsal because I MIGHT BE DEAD when you get back."

After she died I sat eating Thanksgiving Day leftovers with my priest and said, "Richard, if she hadn't died soon, I would have had to kill her."

John's parents were and are much more sane people, thank goodness.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

A lot of parents just don't know how to let go of their kids.

[karenkay.livejournal.com]

Ailz is in my thoughts--and I just thought her father a swift kick in the pants! I'm sorry that she let him upset her.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

He has always been very good at using emotional blackmail. There are things about him I admire, but this need to be the centre of attention really annoys me.

[oakmouse]

Tell him that if he'd really been going to die over his daughter's health crisis, he'd already be dead from her previous surgery. Ye gods, what a jerk.

Adhesions are no joke pain-wise, but at least not health-threatening. I hope they can manage it reasonably easily.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

When we became witches- and received a certain amount of media attention- his response was- How could you do this to me? What will the neighbours say?

[oakmouse]

In other words, he only sees what Ailz does in terms of how it affects him. Well, he needs to grow up and realize that she's a person herself, with needs of her own.

Delighted to hear that she's likely to come home today. Luck to it!

[suemars.livejournal.com]

glad to hear ailz is doing well, other than the parent thing. funny how when they age they get more strange.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

He's always been like this- someone who collapsed and had to be cooed over when something went wrong in his general vicinity. The difference is that here he used to pretend to be frail he now he actually is.

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

I notice that the hospital is keeping Ailz until the ultrasound can be done. That is so different over here. They send people home, with pills if need be, and an appointment to come back for the test. Insurance companies do not want to pay for days in hospital. Also, most tests and much surgery are done on an outpatient basis.
Hooray for National Health Care!
As for the manipulative parent, adult children need to realize that our troubles cannot kill our parents, that they will live out their time the same as we will, barring an unfortunate accident or an act of violence. Ailz needs this reinforcement, bless her.
Meanwhile, I hope she's feeling all right physically now that she is under hospital care, and pray that her emotional state improves. She does not need to worry about anyone else right now, at least not until she is well.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I've just spoken to her on the phone. She's had a good night and is feeling cheerful. There's a chance that she'll be coming home this afternoon, after she's had the scan.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

*curses quietly*

I hope Ailz realizes he is nothing but a spoiled brat who cannot stand to be anything but the centre of her attention, and I hope she treats him like the spoiled brat that he is by ignoring his hysterics.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's hard to protect oneself against one's parents. After all, they've conditioned us to view them as figures of wisdom and authority. They blow the dog whistle and we respond.

But Ailz does know what her father is like- and doesn't take him too seriously. And of course there's the complication that she does actually love the silly old fool.

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

I had just such an adhesion situation a few years ago, right down to the 'moved just wrong and tore something' scenario. Trouble was, the adhesions don't show up on ultrasound, because as tough as they are, they're actually rather thin and wispy structures.

That said, the surgery to relieve the situation was simple, straightforward, done laproscopically, and over in a single afternoon. The pain relief was immediate, and healing from the surgery was a minimally invasive affair.

I wish your Aliz similar luck with her experience, as well as fortitude in dealing with her parental parasite. (And all strength and patience to you as well.)

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's good to know there's a treatment- and that it's simple and safe.

Ailz had her gall bladder taken out five years ago- and that was a major drama- which she was lucky to survive. The presenting symptoms this time were worryingly like the ones she had then. It's been a relief to discover that this- whatever it is- is something quite different.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

It is horrible to say this but one hopes he will die soon so that she can be free, my mother wasn't until granny died.

Otherwise here's hoping it'll be cleared asap. Do give her my love

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

He's a tough old bird. We didn't think he'd live to see last Christmas, but he keeps soldiering on.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

The ones with the egos often do.

[amritarosa.livejournal.com]

Oh, I do hope she is able to get fixed up and feel better soon.

I am experiencing a similar thing with a family member right now, and I'm torn between the anger and guilt axis of the thing. I want to cut loose and tell her off, but dammit she's old and in poor health and I just can't do that. I've been trying an approach that is pretty much the A.I.D. approach described here for a couple of years with some improvement. But there's something akin to an abuse/apology cycle that still goes on and I haven't the guts to escalate it when the tantrums/drama happen even after the promises to stop it have been made. Fortunately that doesn't happen as often as it used to but it still sucks.

It's horrible, you have my sympathies.

[amritarosa.livejournal.com]

The family member is my mom. Not sure why I didn't just say that :) hm... Do I need a little distance, much ?

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Mothers and fathers- what a pain they can be!

It's so very hard to break the ties that bind. I kicked Ailz's parents out the house once, but they came creeping back.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about the adhesions - sounds painful - but glad to know she is not in greater danger.

Oh and kick the selfish old man down the stairs!

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Now that would kill him. :)

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

Awwwwww

/sarcasm

Lessee, flipping through my "Anglo-American Phrasebook"..

[jorrocks-j.livejournal.com]

...Ah, here it is...

Bracing (BRA-sing) Adj. An Anglic epithet better descrbed than defined:

If you tell someone "come on in, the water's fine," and he does so only to find that the water is 34º F (1º C) and simultaneously realizes that you deliberately did not tell him this, then if he is American he will say:

"AAAAAAAAAUGH YOU SADISTIC SONOFABITCH!"

Whereas if he is English he will say:

"Ooh, but this is bracing!

Note: the two phrases are exactly equivalent.

Re: Lessee, flipping through my "Anglo-American Phrasebook"..

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Heh, heh, heh.

I hadn't realised it was an anglicism. But I suppose it goes with all the rest of our Imperial baggage- such as playing the game and the stiff upper lip.