Ooh, But This Is Bracing

[poliphilo]

Ailz just rang me all upset because she'd been talking to her father.  Did he ask her how she was? Apparently not. Did she get to know how he was?  Oh yes- and how!  He was in tears, barely able to speak- and his legs have swollen up- and now she's in a spin about how she's making him ill. Her mother is in a spin too (you can tell by how dithery she's become). I'm furious (well, calming down a bit now) but as I said to Ailz, I'm her next of kin and if I can hold it together, her bloody father can.

He's done this to her all her life,  the selfish, controlling, old pantaloon. You can't suffer in that family without him suffering more. "Don't upset, your father, Aileen, you'll give him a headache." And now, of course- now that he's really ill- whenever someone takes the spotlight off him he can scare them out of it by threatening to die.  It's amazing what power there is in weakness!

Otherwise,  it's looking like Ailz's trouble is being caused by adhesions left over from the surgery she had in 2005. She moved funny and tore or twisted one of them- something like that.  She's scheduled for an ultrasound scan, but it probably won't happen today because of the waiting list.

Comments

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's probably too late to stop the old fool behaving like he does. The way to take back power is to recognise what he's doing and not let him get through the defences.

People don't change in their 80s- or do they?

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

"not let him get through the defences" - easier said than done. Some people get pandered to all their lives and a Short Sharp Shock might just help them realise what they are doing. Besides, I have just remembered how good I felt when I had a few words with the HR woman the other day!

I have been recommended the Action / Impact / Development school of feedback. I'm sure if you Google it...

A.I.D.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

I can't find it... not even on businessballs.com... but the essence is that you should tell somebody:

whenever you do THIS (action)
it makes me feel like THIS (impact)
and in future it would be much better if you could do THIS instead (development)

Some people really do not realise their impact on other people or indeed that there are other ways of reacting than the one they always use.

Re: A.I.D.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I guess he's got me where he wants me too. I'm afraid of killing the old coot.

But I'm going to think about AID. I guess it can be administered in a gentle way.

Re: A.I.D.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

I think one of its strengths as a technique is that nobody can argue "no you don't" when you tell them how their action makes you feel - it is very important to couch it in those terms.

Re: A.I.D.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I'm supposed to be ringing them this morning, but I've been putting it off because I'm so angry.