Some People I Know

[poliphilo]

When she was only a baby they decided that their daughter would be a tribulation to them. It's how they accounted for her to themselves. And it was the script they handed her- both a license and a condemnation.

Half a century later they still adhere to the script. They like it so much, they have passed over every opportunity to know her better, to find out who she really is. Even though she's now their chief support, they enjoy telling friends and strangers- yes, even strangers- what a tribulation she is.

And they run her down to her face.

They are not otherwise bad people. They have virtues.

But all of that is none of my business. My business is to hate them. 

Comments

[shullie.livejournal.com]

I know a few people like that...

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Ever since I posted this I've been thinking about Philip Larkin's most famous poem...

"They fuck you up, you mum and dad...."

My parents did that.

[jubal51394.livejournal.com]

(They only approved of boys.) I should very much like to meet her.

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

The mother in this case only approves of boys- and took her son-in-law's part against her daughter when the marriage broke up.

Re: My parents did that.

[jubal51394.livejournal.com]

Been there, done that too.

Now that that I'm on my third husband, my parents are deceased and it's all too late... I finally realize how very sad this all is. My parents missed knowing the most awesome person whose life ever crossed their path. Me!

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

That's a brilliant way of looking at it.

The other day the daughter told her mother she was going to be doing a course in 20th century art- to which the mother replied, "Why are you doing that? You know nothing about art"- which only goes to show she knows nothing- and cares less- about her daughter's life.

Re: My parents did that.

[jubal51394.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! There's obviously much more going on there. My suspicion was always that my Dad fell in love with me the moment I was born and Mother never got over her jealousy. Of course, I acted out as a teen and made sure they both presented a unified and very negative front for me. Oh! The things that parents do to the world without ever knowing it!

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I've done things I'm not proud of.

Parenthood is something for which most of us get little or no training- and really it's no wonder to most of us make a pig's ear of it.

Re: My parents did that.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

I've been reading Wollstonecraft and she notes how many women are jealous of their daughters.

How would she feel to know such behaviour were still current?

(Glad Aliz has had the sense to leave them behind)

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's strange, isn't it? I suppose human nature remains a constant. Did Wollstonecraft link this intergenerational jealousy to female oppression?

Re: My parents did that.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

Yes, and the belief that women only have sexual power over men - when a woman loses that then she is powerless and is consequently jealous - which is still true to an extent.

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Deep waters.

Scary stuff.

[jfs.livejournal.com]

And to love her.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes, of course :)

The hate is required by the love.

[jfs.livejournal.com]

Been there.

Yes. Sometimes you take sides, because it's one of the ways that you show your love.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

There's an element of play-acting in it too. You take sides because that's what the drama demands.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

THAT is true. There is a "script"

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I feel it more and more.

But I think- as actors- we can interpret it as we choose.

Maybe even do a bit of improv now and then.

[serennos.livejournal.com]

If they still follow a script that was never taken up in the first place, then more fool them. This lady sounds like a lovely person and I only hope that she looks no further than herself for approval.

I have one parent like that too.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's sad. To be approaching 80 and still be nursing all the opinions, prejudices etc you had in your twenties is very sad.

The lady has long since outgrown her parents ;)

[aellia.livejournal.com]

Your lady?
Hugs to her

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Thanks.

[nostoi.livejournal.com]

Good for you. My father is like them and people like that deserve some good old fashioned hatred aimed their way.

As for the lady in question, how gracious she is to support them still.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Parents are a necessary evil...:)

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

It is so sad that people don't realize how destructive they're being and indeed even feel justified in doing that.
I'm sorry.
:(
Ailz is too good to them. Or does she have a superlative sense of duty?

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I don't believe they've got the slightest inkling....

Ailz has a very strong sense of duty.

The Parent

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

When I was only in my late 20's and struggling to deal with my alcohol problem I kept on blaming my parents. God knows, my mother's behavior toward me resembled the people you are describing. However, by my 30th birthday I began to "outgrow" my parents (I like that way of putting it), realizing that I was now old enough to be my OWN mother. With the freedom engendered by that attitude, I was at last able to stop the drinking and get on with my life. Over time, I was able to view parents in a kindly light, while asserting my right to decent treatment.
I am very glad that my mother has lived so long.....
We have had a good and loving relationship for the past fifteen years or so.

Re: The Parent

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I had a rather similar- very distant- relationship with my own mother, but it has sweetened considerably in the last few years.

[lblanchard.livejournal.com]

If you hate them, you validate the importance of their attitudes. Indifference is the best revenge.

(My opinion.)

Re: My parents did that.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

The hatred is strategic. They are still around. Boarders have to be repelled every once in a while.

In theory I agree. Once they're gone I will be sublimely indifferent.

[sovay]

Their immense loss. I am sorry!

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

They are totally bound up in their own small world. Which makes them- apart from everything else- world-class bores.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

How did you get to know my mother? LOL

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

HA!

It seems there are a lot of them out there.

[oakmouse]

Your love and support are probably her biggest ally in ignoring their misbehavior.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I would like to think so.

[solar-diablo.livejournal.com]

Sounds similar to my mother in law's relationship with my wife. And while I understand my wife's drive to keep the woman in her life, because after all, she IS her mother (double that since they have this whole Latina thing going on that this white suburbanite barely understands), frankly I would have told the bitch to take a flying leap a long time ago.

A shared gene pool does not give one carte blanche to treat others like shit.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Judging by the response I've had to this post, this kind of relationship is not untypical.

Sad, eh?

And this in a society that puts mothers on a pedestal.

[carl9whalley.livejournal.com]

The hurt carries on for some peculiar reason even when they they die.I forgive my mum but I've never forgot. It was my wife who made me what i am today she's fantastic i love her very dearly.If i haven't got my wife and children to turn to then I've got you guy's your both always in my heart xx

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks Carl.

Love you too. :)

[jackiejj.livejournal.com]

She has you, and that means everything to her.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

I just came back and had a look at your journal. This is a great post, very thought-provoking. I would like to add you to my list.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I'm adding you back.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

you're welcome. I meant to do it the first time and forgot!