Wedding Day Nerves

[poliphilo]

1. Ailz and I agree that if we were getting together now we wouldn't bother to get married- and that we did it back then (nearly 17 years ago) because we were unsure of ourselves. On the whole, I see the decline in marriage as a good thing- a sign that people are less dependent than they used to be on the approval of Church and State.

2. There's a vicar in Surrey who's in trouble with his parishioners because he won't marry out-of-towners- not even if they're the children of parishioners. I used to take much the same line when I was a vicar so I sympathise. "Sorry," I'd say, smiling sweetly all the while. "Church law forbids it." (Which was true) " My hands are tied."  I don't know why this isn't working for him. I guess he just doesn't have my people skills. Mind you, his church is in a wealthy area (it featured in one of the Bridget Jones movies) and most of the people who'd like to have it as a backdrop for their photographs are used to getting what they want.

2b. Why not get married in front of a green screen? Then you can paste in any backdrop you fancy. 

2c. I didn't enjoy conducting weddings. They gummed up my Saturday afternoons, I rarely got to see the people again- and all that legal paperwork terrified me. 

3. Ailz and I conducted a number of Wiccan handfastings. I don't believe any of those couples are still together. In one case the beginning of the break-up can be dated from the ceremony.

4. The fanciest wedding I ever went to was in Worcester cathedral. My seat was within spitting distance of the tomb of "bad" King John. The groom was some sort of diplomat and the bride was my distant cousin. They've split up.

5. I can't believe this post has turned out so unremittingly negative. 

6. We're going to a wedding this afternoon. It'll be great. Think orange blossom.

7. Actually, I'm nervous. All this cynicism is bravado. Neither of us likes being in big groups or socialising with strangers or (even worse) people we half-know. 

8. Time I went and got ready.

Comments

[serennos.livejournal.com]

2. There's a vicar in Surrey who's in trouble with his parishioners because he won't marry out-of-towners- not even if they're the children of parishioners. [...]"Sorry," I'd say, smiling sweetly all the while. "Church law forbids it." (Which was true) " My hands are tied."

I thought that if you were a regular visitor to the church (? on the roll), then it was not forbidden? I speak as someone who organised a wedding in a distant church and was given permission if we made 6 services in the 6 months leading up to the ceremony. (We married in a totally different church in the end - looooong story).

Hope the wedding is more enjoyable than you fear it might be...

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

I get how you feel, especially after reading No. 7.
We're invited to a First Communion on Sunday and we don't know the family all that well and nobody in the family or their friends. First Communions are second only to weddings here in Spain and they're huge events. I am dreading it.

So, Church of Englanders can't choose any church to get married? What is the reason behind that?

[upasaka.livejournal.com]

A few years ago, I calculated an estimation of the total number of weddings I have played for. It was close to a thousand, if I remember correctly.

Weddings are the most tedious things a church organist has to do. Fortunately, it's a source of additional income. But they bring out the absolute worst in most people's musical (and non-musical) taste, and they expect the organist to agree to anything they want. The bizarrest requests I have ever received were for "Star Trek music" and "that music in the Gallo Wine commercial." I knew a fellow teacher who wanted music from the BBC series "The Choir." I suggested the music from "Mr. Bean" and I think she took me seriously for a moment.

[wyrmwwd.livejournal.com]

I work for a minister, and he HATES weddings. He never lets on, of course, but those who know him know this.

I have been married 3 times so far... once, even legally to a man. My current partner doesn't believe in marriage. I would marry her in a heartbeat, but she won't go for it.

Still, we have been together 14 years, so if it ain't broke, why break it?

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

I have wondered more than once why I bothered to marry - 3 times! Since I have been single for about 19 years now, and am enjoying the freedom of it all, I have concluded that I was not the type to marry in the first place. The first marriage was such a screwed-up affair that the two kids got messed up, and I have had to take the entire blame - to this day they hate me. The second marriage was a joke actually - I said yes because he kept asking, and three months after the wedding we split up, friends again. The third marriage fared better, lasted eighteen years until our son was a senior in high school - this kid loves me still, thank God, and his Dad and I bear each other no ill will.
Anyhow, yes, I too get nervous about attending weddings. It seems like the only marriages that have withstood the ravages of time are ones where the people married too young (1950's), had little or nothing materially, had too many kids too fast, yet somehow got through it all and actually have prospered. I get to see some of these old friends a couple of times a year at reunions, and am constantly amazed that so many of them have beaten the odds.
By the way, you and Ailz have stayed together, too! Congratulations! Back in the early 90's the odds were very much against a couple lasting for 19 years or more.

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I meant to type "14" years.

[qatsi.livejournal.com]

As regards point 2, wealthy people have a tendency to assume they can buy anything.

I see your cynicism, but bear in mind there are also positive financial implications of being in a legally recognised relationship.

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

A workmate of mine lives in that parish. Or rather, his parents always have done, and he and his wife do now, but not at the time of their wedding. He and his wife had to negotiate with said vicar as to how many times they had to attend Sunday services to be allowed in as regular attenders.

If the C of E wants to attract people, it would do well to be amenable to those wanting to start their family life there. A friendly welcome would coax more faith than a roster of compulsory attendance.

As far as I am concerned it's a good thing. Marriage is ok but religion is evil.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

Legally you have to be resident for at least 3 weeks, enough time for the vicar to call banns. Presumably dating from when populations were not mobile and any strangers were suspect.

[ibid.livejournal.com]

I cannot stand weddings and if I wanted to tie the knot I would go to Sweden where a town hall wedding takes 30 seconds, or do as my sister did and present it as a fait accompli.
Dad wants me to elope so he doesn't have to pay for it.

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

Ah. Thank you. Makes sense. I'd forgotten about banns. The same thing happens in the Catholic Church, I think. At least it used to be that way. It's been a long time since I stopped being a practicing Catholic.

[manfalling.livejournal.com]

I went to a wedding this morning- a full-on Japanese affair in Meiji Jingu (big shrine).

I don't suppose anybody got emotional or anything- but I think this kind of ceremony is nice for a number of reasons.

1- It gets everyone together. Sure they're people who barely know each other, but marriage is about bonds right? Now they're all family.

2- It's an affirmation of life, and of their commitment.

I once argued with a New Zealander who insisted her 'civil union' (or whatever a long-term but non-marital relationship is called there) was every bit as committed as any that a married couple have. Of course she could be telling the truth, but at the same time, she's not put the same things on the line. It's the difference between stepping up to fight and just having the battle brought to you. Either way there's gonna be the fight, just in one you man up and say- 'bring it on!' for everyone who knows you to hear.

I'm a sucker for that kind of boldness.

[mokie]

My mother insists that a marriage is nothing but a piece of paper that means nothing and is worth nothing; she's never said, but I suspect she also views it as a controlling thing, given that my father apparently married to have a blackmail-leash on a woman. Too often around here in redneck land, marriages have been last ditch efforts to save dying relationships--the couple clasps hands (finally!) and vows that, for better or worse, they're going down with the ship, and then their ten-year-old daughter holds up the rings...

Even so, I'm not so keen on the decline of wedding. I live in the land of the commitmentphobes, men who'll do anything to avoid being legally obligated to a woman or the children he has with her. I think it helps to have a piece of paper that says, "Yes, I am an adult and I will be responsible for my part in this relationship." Even if he (or she) really views it as a piece of paper worth nothing and meaning nothing.

(Personally, I'd want a walking marriage or none at all. Give me commitment, but give me space, too.)

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It's been a long time since I had to administer canon law, so I'm hazy on the details. I think a lot of priests make up their own rules.

The wedding was very pleasant. Nice people.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I expected couples to turn up to hear their banns read. But I think there was a residency clause on top of that. Some people get round it by moving back in with their parents (or pretending to).

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

As an Anglican vicar I had my wedding fees (which I had to declare, scrupulously) deducted from my stipend- so there was nothing in it for me. Same with funerals.

You probably know the urban legend about the couple who requested the "Robin Hood music"- meaning that dirge by Bryan Adams- and got the theme to the 1950s TV show-

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Riding through the glen,
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men;
Feared by the bad, loved by the good-
Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Robin Hood!

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I might have enjoyed it more if I had been marrying people I knew and liked...

14 years is admirable.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I got married way too young first time round. Too needy, too ignorant, too idealistic. It lasted 12 or 13 years and we had three kids. At some stage of the proceedings my wife discovered she was gay...

Thanks for the congrats. I see marriage- and indeed love- as being a matter of willpower; you make your choice and you stick with it.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes, there's that....

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

The C of E is a dead duck. I've watched its descent into sectarian pettiness over the past 20 years with a mixture of sadness and relief that I'm no longer involved.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Both my weddings have been home-made affairs. I really can't see the point of all that lavish expense and display.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

That sounds like good fun.

This was a Shinto ceremony, right?

I know what you're saying about commitment, but surely that can exist- as you N.Z. friend maintains- without all the razz-matazz.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

A "walking marriage"? That phrase is new to me. Sounds good, though.

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

Nor can I. And so were mine - all three.

[wyrmwwd.livejournal.com]

My first marriage was to a man, and I knew and liked him, but there was an obvious problem.

My second was to a woman. I knew and liked her, but I wasn't ready to be what she needed me to be.

My third one was to another woman, and I still know and like her very much, but I guess I wasn't ready to be what she needed me to be, either.

My current is with a woman who hates making commitments. We have a 14 year long non-committed relationship. Except that we are actually very committed to one another. I think the ring and the ceremony would break the spell. But it is incredibly easy for us to be together, so, it doesn't seem like an accomplishment, really, but thank you for saying so.