Day By Day There's Less And Less

[poliphilo]

It's like the tide nibbling away at a drawing in the sand- a constant process of subtraction.  For instance, she used to know when to apply the brakes on her wheelchair and now she doesn't and I have to do it for her. If I didn't she'd be putting her weight on the arms of the unstopped chair as she stands- and she'd end up on her back in the mud.

Incontinence has been an issue for a while. (We'll overlook the farting- she's been doing that for years.) She denies there's a problem and it feels brutal to raise it but it's mortifying that we can't take her out without her leaving little damp spots on the soft furnishings. We issue her with pads but God knows what she does with them.  Jenny has volunteered to talk about this with the district nurse.

I've worked in hospitals and care homes so you'd think I'd be cured of squeamishness, but the damp patches make my skin crawl. Jenny and Ailz and I were discussing this just now. We all feel the same.  Perhaps it makes a difference that this is a family member who has the problem.

We want to preserve my mother's dignity but she's not collaborating with us any more.  

Comments

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

It's so hard, but you can only do what you can do.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

That's right. We're managing decline.

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

She CAN'T collaborate with you any more. Of course it's difficult, it's your mother. If she had any idea of what she was doing, she'd be mortified.

I won't make any suggestions, because I don't know your situation.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

One smiles and carries on :)

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

I am sorry if I sounded crabby. I did this with my brother, 21 years ago when he was not quite 41 and the dementia was caused by AIDS. He barely knew who he was, he fell asleep in the middle of conversations, he had the same sanitary problems as your mother because of his liver and kidneys...it was horrible. You're right. I didn't do a lot of smiling, but you've got to get through it somehow.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It must be terrible to watch dementia take hold of a person who is still young.

My mother is 93. In her case this is a a natural winding down- hard to deal with for those of us who are watching- but not, I think, particularly troubling for her.

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry - but I thank you for taking care of her as kindly and as well as you do.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

We do our best.

[sorenr.livejournal.com]

Preserving dignity is a difficult task at such a stage. I guess she has it if you ignore the damp spots, but... That's just not a viable option in the long term.

A make-do solution might be to always bring a flat, washable cushion for her to sit on and tell her it's for her comfort. It wouldn't be as ideal as her wearing pads, but it might feel less intrusive to insist on her sitting on a nice cushion than to check if she's wearing a pad (and wearing it correctly). After all, dignity is also about preserving her bodily integrity, even when she can no longer really handle her own body.

When my Dad was dying we had a similar issue with his underwear - the only thing he wore for the last week when he was too week to get out of the bed. In the end that was solved with a rubber sheet and getting the visiting nurse to help him change the underwear daily, because that was more dignified to him than having to have his wife or sons change his underwear for him. Sometimes dignity is not revealing anything to the people you are close to, whereas a stranger might be able to see one's weaknesses. (Just as I would much prefer to change the underwear of a stranger than my own father. I've changed adult diapers without feeling anything much, really, but I could never have done that for my father.) Mind you, my father was fully cognisant of what was happening - as far as the morphine would allow - so that made every decision a bit easier.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

As a young man I worked as a nursing assistant- first with paraplegics and then with terminal cancer patients- and did all the things one would expect to do. One gets hardened. But it's different with a relative. I sort of laid it on the line when I moved in here that I was doing it as a son- not as a nurse.

Age enters into it too. I'm 63 and my body isn't up to too much heavy lifting.

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

We had a waterproof padded cushion for my mother in law to sit on...as has been suggested. The cover could be changed as necessary and the inner cushion wiped down with a bleach solution. Incontinence is one of the hardest things to face and many elderly become unaware of their own body functions.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I think we'll go down that route. There was a time when the appearance of a new cushion would have required an elaborate cover story but now she's not going to be bothered.

[wyrmwwd.livejournal.com]

Uncle was incontinent, also. Actually, with him, it was not so much incontinence as it was that he wouldn't remember to go to the bathroom. There is nothing that you can do about that except supervise her when she gets dressed. Uncle had these underpants that he was supposed to wear, but someone had to be there to be sure that he put them on in the morning. He went through a period when he would take them off during the day and hide them... and walk around pantless. Thankfully, that only lasted a couple of weeks.

I know that isn't what a son wants to do. Maybe you can get your wife to do that duty. I know that is an imposition, but it would probably be better with a woman.

I know it is very unpleasant. Uncle's caretakers were all lesbians. Imagine how all of us felt having to do that for him.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

We have a nurse who comes in and gets her up in the morning. I think we'll find ourselves leaning on her more and more. My mother has money; we can afford to pay for extra care.

My mother still gets herself to and from the toilet, though I can foresee a time when that becomes a problem.

[wyrmwwd.livejournal.com]

Excellent!

Talk to the nurse. You mom needs to be wearing those special underpants, and the nurse needs to see that she puts them on.

Thank goodness for your mom's money!

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

My Dad suffers from incontinence too, though when it started, he was aware it was a problem and he did wear incontinence pants.

We used to buy them from Age UK. Perhaps you could talk to the nurse who gets your mother up each morning?

[negothick.livejournal.com]

My sympathies--I took care of my parents in their last illnesses, and shared your reactions.

Carrying a cushion around is something more and more of us are doing, for our backs if not for our bottoms. Perhaps you could obtain one "for my back" at the same time as you begin carrying the one for your mom? Not a cover story, exactly, but making it seem like a natural process. . .

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

That's a clever ploy.

Also I could do with carrying a cushion around.

Two birds, one stone.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Ailz is doing some online research...

[negothick.livejournal.com]

I've been traveling with a lumbar roll for years. I wear it round my waist when taking planes--sometimes I forget it's there and have to turn back at security and remove it.

[faunhaert.livejournal.com]

i'd adapt the panties
pads are too easily ignored
but if she likes to wear panties
they can' be improved a bit
a pocket you slide the thin pads into
put then in all the panties..

but i'm a stitcher

i thoroughly agree with the pad for "easy seating"
i've towels for paws on chairs-
its way easier to wash them than the chairs

if you have an ikea close
the pullover seat covers might be some thing?
there's a mightier resistant fabric they use for making diapers
that doesn't crinkle i'd put a layer of that with a cover over it
get 2
one in use for when the other in the wash

hope she choses the same places and doesn't wander
but i'd probably do all the furniture - to "spruce it all up "I'd say

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions.

Luckily she doesn't wander. She has a chair in the dining room and one in the living room and those are the only two she uses.