poliphilo | Not As Mellow As I Thought

Not As Mellow As I Thought

I edited my profile. I took out the subtitle "A Priest in Spite of Himself" and restored the one that was there before, "Searching for Polia". I also removed the line about trying to be an Anglican priest and a Wiccan high priest all at once and replaced it with "And now I am nothing in particular. Being Nothing In Particular is also a vocation."

I've been scanning the posts I made at the start of the year. I'm reassured to see that from the very beginning I was- as it were- veering about all over the road. We went to Glastonbury and I popped into a witchy shop and bought myself a pentacle ring- to restore the balance. I'm still wearing that ring, by the way. That facet of my identity- on the side of the rebels, the loners, the women- is something I won't disown.

The people at church are such lovely people, but ...

I can't be doing with all that kow-towing before a God who is imagined as a bronze age king or pharaoah. It's demeaning. It's unthinking.

I can't be doing with the cult of Jesus. Jesus as the supposed source of some pithy ethical teachings? Yes. Jesus as a mythogical sun-god- on a par with Hercules- Yes. Jesus as supernatural best friend/superego/be-all-and-end-all? No.

And I detest most hymns.

The reason I got out of the Church 25 years ago still weigh with me. I believed I'd mellowed, that I was ready to make the necessary compromises- but I haven't and I'm not.

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Religion and spirituality is a messy business for us modern thinking species, exposed to so many different ideas and points of view, isn't it? I sometimes think it might have been nice to have been born far in the past and isolated, so that things were simpler.

On the other hand, complexity is more interesting, I think- even more fun.

So, where to go from here? Are you staying with the deeply dippy C of E or would the Quakers or Unitarians or somebody be a better fit?

The trouble with the cult of Jesus, is, that's what regular Christianity is about. You can't nibble bits from the edges for too long without getting into that fact. You can't really be saved and belong unless you buy in.

Am I anywhere near the mark if I conjecture that church is somewhat about belonging, for you?

I'm not looking to find any other community. I'm stepping aside. This experience has shown me- once again- that I'm not a team player.

YOu know I'm torn between admiring people who have absolute unshakable faith and wondering how the heck they can be so sure about - as you say - a mythological sun-god when it seems obvious to me that there are just as many reasons not to believe in him as there are TO believe. Or maybe more.

That's part of what faith is all about, though - believing even when there are reasons not to believe.

I was trying to shoehorn myself back into the Church without believing in the central myth- or- indeed- caring for it very much. It seems a pretty stupid thing to have attempted.

One of Us! One of Us! One of Us!

Once freed, you can never return to spiritual captivity. Once an eagle, you can never flock with the sheep. Once you roll your own Godz, you can never return to a single all-purpose deity and son. And Mr. Spock is a much higher-quality short-duration personal savior! :-)

You've grown too much. There's no going back. And that is Good.

Thanks.

Yes, there's no going back. Perhaps I needed to prove that to my own satisfaction. I can't think why else I should have done what I did.

Maybe you just wanted to expand your horizons a bit in terms of companionship - and a church can be a good way to meet new people.

That was part of it- and we did meet new people, so it worked.

Coming to that realization so quickly is a good thing. You have sounded frustrated and angry in many of your recent posts and all this seems to be at the root of it. Why wear shoes that hurt and pinch?

Exactly.

But, no harm done. And Ailz says she wants to go on attending the church- which is fine by me. I saw her over the initial, tricky patch- and now she knows people and will be happy going on her own.

(Intruding third person here:) This sounds like a good solution, and I'm glad Ailz has made friends and "will be happy going on her own."

I think it'll work....

All religon is so confusing to me. Each time that I'm in a church,for weddings,funerals or just looking around,I want to ask for a sign that I might come back to *something*.
I try to hear the voice that so many claim to have heard. I never do. And then I feel guilty for being there and for taking apart the words of the hymns and prayers and wanting to say things like but...if..God of love..why?
Hugs,my friend
x

*Returns hugs*

It's a funny, old business. I wish I understood why I'm alternately attracted and repulsed by Church, but I don't- so the safest thing is just to keep away.

You never know if you dont try. You tried, and now you know.

It's all experience. And all experience is good.

I remember friending you because I so liked your info line: "I like to talk. Friend me, and (unless you're a Nazi) I'll friend you back."

One of my best decisions ever.

Thank you :)

But now what? You obviously feel the need to connect to the higher power, can you do that on your own, like the "solitary witch" thing?

It would be such fun to invent your own religion, what would it be like? beliefs, ethics, ceremonies?

The "higher power" is all around us I think. Around us, over us, under us, in us. We are connected to it all the time.

I don't need ritual. I don't believe I ever did. I always found Church services a chore- even when I was conducting them. Wiccan ritual was a little different- more entertaining- what with the nudity and the incense and the swords and stuff.

In a way I did invent my own religion- along with Ailz. It was a version of Wicca- with lots of Gods and Goddesses and a dash of Zen and some Christian ethics mixed in. We wrote or improvised all our own rituals. In the end I lost interest in it.

I continue to enjoy reading about your quest, though I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now.

Bit like what I felt like after Choirgate a few weeks ago, but with rather higher stakes since this has been your life and career and singing was only ever a hobby for me.

Thanks.

I'm feeling better now. It's a great relief to know I can drop the pretence- and need never set foot in church again- unless I want to. It's like equilibrium has been restored.

that I was ready to make the necessary compromises- but I haven't and I'm not.

Sounds healthy to me.

Yes. I was never one for compromise.

It's not that I believe any differently than you, it's just that I like ritual and have missed it . I can honestly say that I've never changed my religion, because that's exactly what it is - my religion. I'm happy to go to church and do my own thing - help Ourdert with the baby, interact with people, sing out of key with gusto and partake of communion/cake and wine. I add my own blessings, consecrate the water if there is a baptism, talk to the Goddess, try and send out healing energy to those mentioned as being ill and so on. The difference nowadays is the Goddess - I felt her void before I'd heard of her.

You are so much more of a priest(ess) than I am- or ever was.

:)

I've watched this latest progression with keen interest. I haven't said anything because, well, I felt I had nothing of any pertinence to say.

Ultimately, each and every one of us must find his/her own way.

That's right.

Every life is a unique opportunity. We should make the most of it.

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Not As Mellow As I Thought

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