Fathers And Sons

[poliphilo]

I kept away from my father. I wasn't living as he wanted me to live and it was horrid to enter that atmosphere of disapproval and judgement. Also we had nothing in common. I'd visit and I'd get a migraine. 

I don't suppose he ever understood why I was so offish with him. He'd given me a wonderful education, hadn't he?

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

And now I'm getting the same offishness from one of my own kids. Like the man said, "You reap, reap, reap what you sow."

I don't mean to complain. I don't want sympathy. Please, please, no sympathy. This is how it works between the generations. 

My father had a love-hate relationship with his own father. The old man wouldn't let go. He loomed over my father's life offering counsel. Maybe that's why my father stood so far back with me. He didn't want to make the same mistake. He didn't want to be oppressive. 

Maybe I'm oppressive.  I don't mean to be.

Once they're dead they're easy to forgive. 

Men are prey animals, scared, scared, scared. The more patriarchal we seem the more frightened we are.  We're just king-pin bunnies- scanning the shadows for movement, listening out for the hawk's wings in the sky.

Comments

[veronica-milvus.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids (although that was not my choice) so maybe I have some objectivity. People expect kids to be little empty versions of themselves, all ready to be filled up with parenty goodness. So many people try to fulfil their own expectations or correct their own mistakes in their children. The surprising thing is that children don't often "take after" either parent, psychologically. They are not what their parents expected. They may have remarkably little in common with you. If you met them as strangers, you might not choose them as your friends.

And most parents never ever forgive themselves for not being perfect parents. Or alternatively, there are parents who never give parenting a second thought. At least you are not that type.

Go on loving and accepting them (I read your posts where you had your grown up son living in your house and I think you were patience personified). They will get it one day.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

That's right.

There's a fine line to be walked between being oppressive and neglectful. I can't really know how my kids see me. I think I was a liberal parent (too liberal perhaps) but it's quite possible they experienced my personality as overpowering.

I'm feeling guilty now for letting my patience wear out.