Dodging A Nervous Breakdown

[poliphilo]

Yesterday was Ourdert's confirmation. I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I realised I was heading for one. I left the party early and went and sat somewhere quiet- by which I mean in front of my computer.

It wasn't the confirmation service that did it . (Though I have to say I thought it was awful; the bishop was a corporate smoothie-chops who made sure there wasn't a whiff of ancient mystery about the ceremony.) This has been building for days.

That meeting with the evangelical clergymen last week rattled me. It's not that I don't respect them, because I do. Even admire them.  It's just that their path goes in that direction, and mine goes in this.

They dismiss doubt. Sweepingly. I think of doubt as a very dear friend .

Here's one instance. Ailz said something about needing the divine female. The head clergyman replied that it was an issue that didn't arise. And I do believe he made a sweeping gestiure with his arm as he said it.

It may not arise for you, mate- but it certainly does for me.

I am not "a priest in spite of himself".  Every time I've tried to function as a priest it has ended in tears. Yesterday  was an early warning. I'm slipping into the role- which for me is a temptation not a vocation- and losing my true self. I need to squash this nonsense now. 

It isn't Christianity that's the problem. It's organized religion. Organized religion is poison to me. There's no way I can act as its agent and stay happy and sane. 

I can't bear to be organized- and I can't bear to organize other people.

I've started reading the Hypnerotomachia again- the 15th century novel from which this journal takes its name. Call it a return to basics. It was written by a guy called Francesco Colonna, aka "Poliphilo" - a monk who lived in the community and dreamed about Roman architecture and blondes.

Comments

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

I think feminism rather than atheism is the huge stumbling block for the church. Women are no longer prepared to accept inferiority.

I hope you get the chance to meet some clerics who are not like the ones you have met. What was their nationality? Some of the African churches can be quite robust in these matters! (tho not all I hope)

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

These people are all English. Correction: one of them is Pakistani.

You could be right about feminism being the biggest stumbling block. I've called myself a feminist since the '70s. I used to wear a feminist badge on my clergy-robes.

My problem- my personal problem- is not so much how other people behave as the way I find myself behaving. The more I get involved in the church the more I feel my integrity and independence slipping away.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

That is why God directed you towards Ailz, who provides the gentle correction :-)

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Yes :)