Dodging A Nervous Breakdown

[poliphilo]

Yesterday was Ourdert's confirmation. I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I realised I was heading for one. I left the party early and went and sat somewhere quiet- by which I mean in front of my computer.

It wasn't the confirmation service that did it . (Though I have to say I thought it was awful; the bishop was a corporate smoothie-chops who made sure there wasn't a whiff of ancient mystery about the ceremony.) This has been building for days.

That meeting with the evangelical clergymen last week rattled me. It's not that I don't respect them, because I do. Even admire them.  It's just that their path goes in that direction, and mine goes in this.

They dismiss doubt. Sweepingly. I think of doubt as a very dear friend .

Here's one instance. Ailz said something about needing the divine female. The head clergyman replied that it was an issue that didn't arise. And I do believe he made a sweeping gestiure with his arm as he said it.

It may not arise for you, mate- but it certainly does for me.

I am not "a priest in spite of himself".  Every time I've tried to function as a priest it has ended in tears. Yesterday  was an early warning. I'm slipping into the role- which for me is a temptation not a vocation- and losing my true self. I need to squash this nonsense now. 

It isn't Christianity that's the problem. It's organized religion. Organized religion is poison to me. There's no way I can act as its agent and stay happy and sane. 

I can't bear to be organized- and I can't bear to organize other people.

I've started reading the Hypnerotomachia again- the 15th century novel from which this journal takes its name. Call it a return to basics. It was written by a guy called Francesco Colonna, aka "Poliphilo" - a monk who lived in the community and dreamed about Roman architecture and blondes.

Comments

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

I've ended up as a Zen Quaker, which works for me. Basically I feel that Buddhism has a lot more to say to me than church-style Christianity, but I also bounced off all the Buddhist groups I tried. It seemed to mean just swapping one male-dominated, patriarchal organisation for another, more exotic one, which was not what I wanted.

So I attend an unprogrammed Friends meeting, where we're quietly spiritual, without, necessarily being Religious with a capital "R".

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I like Zen. And I've got Quaker ancestors.

I don't know where I go from here. Perhaps back to being- and doing- nothing in particular.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

You are a born priest, that much I can see. Whether or not the church that calls for you has been created yet is another question!

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

Is it possible to be a priest of Nothing in Particular or- to put it another way- a priest without a Church or a God?

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

Don't know the answer to that :)