An Unseasonal Truth
Dec. 14th, 2008 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
poliphiloI'm sorry to say it, but Dickens was wrong. The Cratchitts would have hated the new, benevolent Scrooge even more than they hated the old, miserly one. You can't buy love by turning up on the doorstep cutting capers and waving a turkey by the neck. A benefactor- especially one there's no hope of repaying- is universally despised.
I've lost friends by being kind to them- and also because they were kind to me. Gifts- big one-sided gifts- can kill a relationship. Equality is replaced by obligation. Much better to sever the link than to be reminded every time you see a person's shining face that you owe them one. They say you should give anonymously so as not to reap the gratitude; I say you should give anonymously so as not to reap the resentment.
There are times when you have no choice but to give- because it's the only moral thing to do- but you shouldn't expect a reward. Rather the reverse.
I've lost friends by being kind to them- and also because they were kind to me. Gifts- big one-sided gifts- can kill a relationship. Equality is replaced by obligation. Much better to sever the link than to be reminded every time you see a person's shining face that you owe them one. They say you should give anonymously so as not to reap the gratitude; I say you should give anonymously so as not to reap the resentment.
There are times when you have no choice but to give- because it's the only moral thing to do- but you shouldn't expect a reward. Rather the reverse.
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Date: 2008-12-14 01:04 pm (UTC)Maybe that's why anonymous gift giving feels so good - it is TRULY done out of the goodness of one's heart and no one is the wiser for it.
Gift giving is such a difficult thing. There's what you've mentioned. And then there's the other - let's say you've shared an experience with someone - and you see something that reminds you of your time together. You gift them with it, and then find out later that the person had no idea the sentimentality you invested in the object - and they tossed it. THAT strains the friendship, as well.
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Date: 2008-12-14 03:59 pm (UTC)A friend gave me a picture once. He came to my house some years later and I could see he was looking for it- and was disappointed it wasn't there. What had happened was it had fallen off the wall and we couldn't afford to have the glass mended. I suppose I could have explained that to him, but it would have been awkward and I didn't.