Full Circle

[poliphilo]

When last night's TV film about Florence Nightingale (informative but - as a film- not very good) revealed that she undertook her mission as a result of hearing the voice of God, my reaction was not- as it might once have been- "Dear me, what a loon", but ,"Seems like my kinda gal"- which shows, I suppose, that I've finally completed the circular walk I took off on 22 years ago.

At the time I didn't know it would be circular. I though I was walking away from Christianity for good. But that's not how it works, is it? 

As T.S. Eliot says-

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

Also, yesterday evening, I finished Balzac's Le Cure de Campagne- a novel about guilt and redemption which quite unashamedly bangs the drum for old-school catholicism- and, instead of chucking it accross the room, I laid it aside with thoughtful sympathy.

No, I'm not going to ring the bishop and ask for my dog-collar back, but- well- I have to admit the thought has fleetingly crossed my mind. 

What I care about- what I have always cared about most deeply- are the things of the spirit.

Comments

Re: What I care about- what I have always cared about most deeply

[shullie.livejournal.com]

i had thought about this post and the comments over the last day, I still miss 'bits' of Christianity, some of the love, and some of the people I knew... though I have come to undertsand that the love and the honesty love that I got from thos epeople was something that was spiritual rather than just Xn.. though I am sure some of them may disagree. I find myself singing hymns every so often... because the words touched me... though I couldn't ever go back to Xnty... as for me it felt too alien, too much of a misogynist playground, and most of the time I felt that I was reading a different book from the rest of them... I did make the mistake of saying once ( while in a bible study...) that I found Jesus more of a lover than a husband and/or father figure... a which didn't go down well ( husband and fathers not being particularly great for me at that time)

I thought for a while it was just my particular church(i.e building and congregation) /denomination/experience etc.... but the more I spoke to other professed Xns and the more I read/learnt I realise how far away I was from what they preached and was happy to be so. My understanding and experience of a/the Divine was not and never would be there's.

Some one told me I was perhaps a Gnostic rather than a Pagan... but either way I would burn... as I had turned my back on the HS...(the unforgivable sin I believe) lol and spend the rest of eternity in Hell... I offered to save them a seat :)

I tend to say I follow and have a belief in the more female aspect of the Divine these days - when asked ...:)

Re: What I care about- what I have always cared about most deeply

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

I can relate to everything you say. The church is a cultural and moral backwater- and seems to be getting more narrow, bigoted and ignorant with time. A couple of decades back there were still British Christian leaders capable of challenging the establishment and setting a radical moral agenda; not any more.

Oh- one exception: Sentamu- the current Archbishop of York. I've got a good deal of time for him.

I don't see myself ever returning to church life. Too stultifying. Too boring.

But I can't go into a church (preferably medieval) without feeling I'm coming home. The Christian tradition is full of riches- including the vein of mystical thought- grounded in The Song of Songs and fostered by such orthodox figures as Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross and George Herbert- which speaks of the love of Christ for the individual human soul in frankly sexual terms :)