Analysis

[poliphilo]

I'm not brave. Not constitutionally brave. Give me time to consider the perils of a given situation and I'll usually do the sensible- cowardly- thing. But once in a while I get caught out. Events move too fast and there I suddenly am, in the thick of it, with a gang of kids waving burning sticks in my face and instead of turning away I keep ploughing on.

I remember the incident as a series of stills. The bits in between- the connections between image A and image B- have disappeared.  A kid is blocking the gate into the alley. I know I got past him- but how exactly did I do it? Did I push him aside, or dodge him or did he retreat before me? I really don't know.

I was clearly in some sort of altered state of consciousness. How interesting!

And the altered state carried me through until the task I'd set myself was completed. In all I made three trips from the kitchen to the fire.  The stick waving and the verbals got worse and worse, but my nerve held. Then I stepped back onto my property, shut the gate- and started to shake. 

I'm tempted to say I did a stupid thing, but, then again I'm convinced that- risky or not- it was the right thing. I may have been in an altered state, but I was also completely under control. I didn't offer violence and I didn't say anything abusive. I gave them as little provocation as possible and just slid between them and did what I had to do. 

Could I do it again? Probably not.

Comments

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

But bravery isn't absence of fear. It's doing what needs to be done WHEN it needs to be done, and it sounds like you did that, and did it quite well.

I would hope that I would respond similarly.

[jfs.livejournal.com]

I'm in pretty much total agreement with this.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It isn't absence of fear, but it does involve discounting fear. It's as if you put it to one side for the time being.

And afterwards you think, sheesh; did I really do that?