An Explanation Of Sorts

[poliphilo]

My posts are rarely exploratory. Usually I know the route I mean to take and where I hope to end up. Sometimes I'll happen upon an alternative path and- even more rarely- fetch up somewhere unexpected.  But I never find myself stopping short- out in open country as it were.

Except once or twice in the last few days. You know the posts I mean. They're all a bit gnomic. That's because I wasn't being quite honest, because I was editing too much out, because I was embarrassed to admit I didn't have a map.  They read like I'm laying down the law, but actually I'm asking questions. Real questions- ones I can't answer.

Here's where I'm at:
 
I was a priest. I gave it up. I'm not going back. I couldn't. I gave it up because I didn't believe- and that's still the case. Trouble is- over the past year or so- I've felt a Christian mindset creeping back up on me. I don't believe in the Christian God, I don't believe Jesus even ever existed, but I'm finding I totally believe in the Christian myth.  There never was a birth in a stable in Bethlehem- I'm almost certain of that- but the myth has me by the throat.  Myths are like poetry. They work in much the same way, by-passing the rational mind, by-passing explanation. I know Yeats's The Second Coming is a sublime poem and I know the Nativity is a sublime myth- but don't expect me to get to work on either with a scalpel because that's not how you treat the things you love.

So am I a Christian? I suppose it depends who's marking the papers. William Blake might accept me as one, but I don't think the Pope would. I am however, by the Church's own rules, still an Anglican priest. When I left (and whether I resigned or was sacked is a moot point) they may have put me on a black list somewhere, but they didn't defrock me- they didn't rescind my priesthood. I'm not in fact sure they could.

Just to complicate matters I am also a Pagan and a Witch.

Perhaps I don't need to make intellectual sense of all this. Perhaps...

And there I'm going to stop- still out in open country- with the Holy City of Sarras over the horizon and maybe not there at all.

I'll be away from LJ over Christmas. No reading, no writing. I think this could be a really good time to take a break.

Comments

[oakmouse]

The Christian myth has immense power. Good luck exploring the situation, and Happy Christmas to you and Ailz!

[shullie.livejournal.com]

I can really really understand... someone once called my a gnostic Christian... I thought maybe... but still not that Xn...

[zoe-1418.livejournal.com]

yeah, I can identify with this

[baritonejeff.livejournal.com]

Amazing post, my friend, in all the best senses of that word. This has given me much food for thought.

Thank you.

[pondhopper.livejournal.com]

You have seen how much I love my Nativity Scene but do I truly believe in what it represents? That same question has been on my mind a lot also these days. You are right in that myths do by-pass the rational mind and, I suppose, give us comfort in trying times.

So I enjoy the myths and don't think that in doing so I'm being hypocritical or false.

Have a good Christmas break. Your posts will be missed.

[sculptruth.livejournal.com]

I always love reading your thoughts, so you will be missed over the break! Something resonates about myths being like poetry. I treasure and value them, in my own way.

[clindau.livejournal.com]

Happy Christmas. See you on the other side of the New Year. Enjoy the break.

[litchick.livejournal.com]

You know, not for nothing. I'm doing a lot of the same exploring you are, although I "came to my senses" before I actually went to seminary. I just don't believe anymore. I always thought something would sway me - Judaism or Buddhism or something, but now that I'm without a religion, I'm okay. The weird thing is, I'm still going to church, and we had our son baptized in the Episcopal church in September. I'm sure the church going will fall off too, probably as my son gets older and I can take him volunteering instead with me on Sunday morning.

I guess what resonates with me about this post is that I can't let go either. Even when I BELIEVED I didn't take it all that seriously, and there is something particularly sublime about the Anglo-Catholics, with their smells and bells and choir and all the old glorious hymns, anthems and chants. I guess where I am right now is that I can't make sense of it, but I'm okay with that. I've accepted that there may not be an answer, a cut and dry thing. There won't be a notice of excommunication in our church so - unless you create your own ritual to once and for all sever the ties we'll always be Anglican. That's what baptism is all about. hrm.

[silverhawkdruid.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is going to make any sense to you at all, because I don't really understand it myself, but after years of avoiding church because I hated what it seemed to stand for, I recently became comfortable sitting through a church service again. For some reason, becoming a Pagan, and a Druid, has given me the insight into what was missing for me when I was a Christian. Even when I was a Bahai, I still didn't feel comfortable in a church setting, but now I have found Druidry I do. Now I understand the history a little better, and I do believe that Jesus was real, if a little over-hyped, I find it a comfortable place to be again, and I like that feeling. I am actually wishing I could attend Midnight Mass this year.

[ideealisme.livejournal.com]

Well, there is something about Jesus. He's so aloof and self-confident and so bloody rude ;-)

One of His quotes that really stumps me is "Anyone who tries to save his life will lose it, but anyone who loses his life for My sake will save it." I've always wondered what he means by that.

And his "Render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar" quote is a mastery in political footwork. He might have been the Prince of Peace and Love, but he was no fool.

Have a happy and peaceful Christmas, and I hope your path unfolds easily, wherever it goes.

[algabal.livejournal.com]

All I can say is never to let the ideas or perceptions of others shape or influence your relationship with Jesus.

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

Does it have to have happened to be true?

[daisytells.livejournal.com]

You will be missed. Enjoy your break. And a Happy Christmas to you and Ailz!

[sovay]

I'll be away from LJ over Christmas. No reading, no writing. I think this could be a really good time to take a break.

Then I hope you will be back, and have in all applicable senses a marvelous Christmas! Thank you for sharing what you have.

[saare-snowqueen.livejournal.com]

Join the club. I'm not a priest, but I am an actively believing Christian. I am also a pagan, the grand-daughter of a witch who was also a Christian and the mother of a pagan priestess. What pigeon-hole do I fit in?

[michaleen.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be Christian to celebrate Christmas and to honor, even reverence, the spirit that informs it. Yuletide is a cultural institution. It's ours because we claim it and identify with it, not because we accept or are accepted by some theological faction. I'm sure this is true of other nominally Christian things as well, even the Christ himself.

From all of us, a very Happy Christmas to you and yours.

[nineweaving.livejournal.com]

Journey with the light.

Nine

[jackiejj.livejournal.com]

I was away, too, Tony.

I want you to know that I think about you and Ailz often, talk about you fondly with Kate--we both do.

(When I go into the church, I love it without understanding anything except that it's where I want to be. I am learning to let go of the language and just experience the atmosphere, as when I was very young and listening to operas on records I didn't want to know what was being sung, the words, only wanted to pick up the mood--Aida is still to me a story about the early earth and fossils because I read The Wonders of Life on Earth while I listened to it.)

Happy New Year to you both.