poliphilo

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poliphilo

A friend introduced me to the concept of toxic optimism.

Oh bugger, and I was thinking optimism was altogether a good thing.

It's raining, raining hard- but look at me, I'm Gene Kelly! Nothing wrong with that, is there? Surely not....

Toxic optimism is when you deny someone else's pain and suffering and tell them to "get over it" and "buck up" and all that shit.

I hope I don't do that.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

ysabetwordsmith

... when you refuse to acknowledge real and serious problems that need attention, instead of blithely assuming everything will be fine.

Basically, toxic optimism is out of synch with the circumstances and does more harm than good. An example is buying a lottery ticket when someone can't afford food or rent; it's not a prudent use of scarce resources because the odds are against winning. But some people do it anyway because, after all, they might win and it's the only way they ever could escape poverty. :/

Here's a diagram for trust. The more reliable a system, the more you should trust it. The more positive a situation, the more optimistic you should be; but when the situation is dire, it is more prudent to address the problems as best you can.

>>I hope I don't do that.<<

Most of the time -- unless someone is melting down so bad that they can't make choices -- it is helpful to support their choices. Useful phrases include things like "How do you want to do this?" and "What's your next step?" Hell, just believing people when they say "X is bothering me" will put you above average.

If they seem really stuck, look around for simple and practical ways to help, especially anything that will reduce their mental workload. "I'm going to the grocery store; can I pick up anything for you?" "How about I fold this pile of laundry; that's one less thing for you to do." And remember that most people appreciate someone just listening or even just being there, without necessarily either of you needing to do anything.

Here's a good checklist for awful situations. It's useful for situations where you don't know what to do and the big problem is either unfixable or can't be fixed quickly.

From:

poliphilo

Thanks. That's helpful.....

From:

ysabetwordsmith

*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.

Problems with "I don't know how" or "Am I...?" are much easier to solve than the kind where somebody just doesn't care if they're hurting others. Sometimes just having a few simple ideas to try can make a world of difference.