I wanted to tell you how much I loved you but I just couldn't lie while wearing a new Hermes scarf tied around my neck and red lipstick. I simply couldn't stand there like a lady and lie to you as though we were two common lovers in some dime store novella. You know the kind you keep dogeared and rolled up in your underwear drawer at your Mother's? You know I'm a snoop -- that's what attracted you to me; aside from my bluntness, my healthy American short sightedness and my dreams of a Sak's Credit of my very own!

I just wanted you to know what you were getting yourself into by marrying me, Kid. Afterall you're not only getting the Girl Next Door, you're getting a regular Girl Friday, a fabuleaux Chef and a world class hooker all rolled into one expensive -- rather, cher -- package. I am the kinda wife who knows how to go over BIG with the Boss and his Wife at schmoozy boozy tete a tetes! Heck, I'm even bringing Precious, my prize winning poodle. What more could a Future Businessman of America want for?

So when I say I adore this whole marriage idea; I love our dinners and cocktails and silent moonlit strolls, what I'm saying is I sure do like you -- for a relative stranger. And I have a feeling the person you think I am and the man you are pretending to be will sort themselves out nicely into separate vacations and bedrooms; a joint bank account and ocassional weekends and holidays.

Whaddya say, dahling?