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A Bit Of A Rant
This person was put in place as a volunteer carer- to offer Ailz companionship and give me space to gad off on my own- but she never shows up without requests for favours. She gives us nothing- and certainly not the service we thought she was offering- and takes all she can.
She got Ailz to fix her computer (it took hours and hours). She got Ailz to type up her dissertation- it turned out to need editing and rewriting as well.
And when she talks, she talks about herself and herself and herself. Justifying herself, praising herself. We're good listeners, but this tape is on a loop...
I feel a deep sense of anger and betrayal.
Then she rings to request (actually more like demand) that we place bids on eBay for her. I tell her Ailz is feeling really rough. She goes on pestering.
In the morning her teenage son rings and pesters some more. Bid on these shoes for me. Up to £20.
And whose pocket is that £20 coming out of? When will it be repaid?
We've had it. That's enough. We tell her supervisor to pull her off our case.
She rings but I'm not answering the phone. If I did I would shout.
She got Ailz to fix her computer (it took hours and hours). She got Ailz to type up her dissertation- it turned out to need editing and rewriting as well.
And when she talks, she talks about herself and herself and herself. Justifying herself, praising herself. We're good listeners, but this tape is on a loop...
I feel a deep sense of anger and betrayal.
Then she rings to request (actually more like demand) that we place bids on eBay for her. I tell her Ailz is feeling really rough. She goes on pestering.
In the morning her teenage son rings and pesters some more. Bid on these shoes for me. Up to £20.
And whose pocket is that £20 coming out of? When will it be repaid?
We've had it. That's enough. We tell her supervisor to pull her off our case.
She rings but I'm not answering the phone. If I did I would shout.
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Oddly enough I feel guilty about it- that it's somehow my fault.
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You and Ailz naturally gravitate towards helping others--but the idea was for you to be helped!
It's to your great credit that you were kind.
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We like to give. But in this case we gave and we gave and it was all going the one way and suddenly we woke up and thought, hey, we've been had.
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In some ways I'm glad we did. If we'd cut all links then I'd always have been unsure whether we'd done the right thing, whereas now I'm sure.
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Thanks for your support.
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The supervisor will talk to her tomorrow. I hope that that's an end to it.
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I think your solution is exactly the right thing. I hope the next person will be absolutely opposite to this one, who has little compassion.
You have both (no surprise) been endlessly patient. Enough is enough.
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She wants to move beyond her relationship as a helper and become a friend (and leech) of the family--or even a sort-of relative.
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Ach, I thought we were done with her but she won't let go that easily- won't take a hint. I guess eventually we're going to have to be brutal.
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Why was she saying "Sorry, etc."? Had she already been informed by the caregivers' association, so called to apologize?
If they've told her your complaints, then I'd think you owe her nothing more than, "So sorry it didn't work out, then. If you have any further questions, please call the Service. And I have taken your dissertation, your tea kettle, and your shoes to the Service, so you can pick them up there."
Oh--and hopefully soon you can say to her, "And we now have a new Carer."
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Is it possible that she will show up at your door weeping and begging?
Well, you must have a plan for that...
Not answering the bell comes to mind. :)
I'm sorry, Tony. This is so sad. It sounds as if you are being bombarded--as if you fed a stray cat who is now howling for milk on your porch.
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Yes, the supervisor had already spoken to her. I thought that would be the end of the matter.
I must admit she wrong-footed me. I was expecting indignation not penitence. I was prepared to be firm with her if she made excuses, but what I got was this torrent of apology and pleading.
Please forgive me, please take me back, Aileen is my bestest friend.
Yes, we definitely need a plan....
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(Anonymous) 2005-09-05 08:51 am (UTC)(link):)
You've been in the ministry. You know that there's supposed to be a slight remove in place so that no one becomes "bestest friends" in these things--I was a hospice volunteer for a couple of years, and it was very hard to say no to pressures for deepening a relationship that began with a mutual intense purpose but was never really a friendship...one woman whose mother had been my patient called me at work several times, referring to me as her "sister," which was extremely uncomfortable to me, and finally I just had to say it was time to move on and that I would not be back.
I didn't handle transference well--is that partly what it is?--and ultimately didn't want to hurt people, so I actually quit volunteering. I didn't know how to break off, didn't know how to keep that barrier in place, felt guilty--
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Of course.
No, I was never much good with transference either. It seemed a little inhuman to insist on the divide, the distance. But that, of course, is one of the reasons for wearing a uniform- in my case a clerical collar- to make the point that the "relationship" is on a professional footing.
I think K may be thinking of Ailz as a "sister". Oh dear- how to disabuse her?
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It seems to me that simplest and truest is best at this point: "We would like you to stop calling. Thank you for honoring our wishes in this matter. I hope you'll understand, but I am going to hang up now. Goodbye, and good luck to you..."
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Yes, that's the way to do it.
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That was my post that just came through.
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