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1.

My mother (looking at plate on lap): What's this?

Self: Spaghetti.

Mother (sticking fork into food) So what's this then?

Self: Spaghetti.

Mother (still with the fork) : No, this...

Self: Spaghetti sauce

2.

My mother (struggling with broadsheet paper) What's all this. The first commando....?

Self: I've no idea.  Show me.

Mother: Here.

Self: Not commando, Leonardo. They've found some gay porn by Leonardo and sold it for £15 million.

Mother (best lady Bracknell manner) Gay porn!

Self: Yes it's a drawing of a naked young man writhing in agony.

Mother: Why's he in agony?

Self: Because he's been shot full of arrows.

3.

Ailz: X has died

Self: Hmmm

Ailz: Apparently he had dementia...

Self: Breaks into helpless giggles
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