An Explanation Of Sorts

[poliphilo]

My posts are rarely exploratory. Usually I know the route I mean to take and where I hope to end up. Sometimes I'll happen upon an alternative path and- even more rarely- fetch up somewhere unexpected.  But I never find myself stopping short- out in open country as it were.

Except once or twice in the last few days. You know the posts I mean. They're all a bit gnomic. That's because I wasn't being quite honest, because I was editing too much out, because I was embarrassed to admit I didn't have a map.  They read like I'm laying down the law, but actually I'm asking questions. Real questions- ones I can't answer.

Here's where I'm at:
 
I was a priest. I gave it up. I'm not going back. I couldn't. I gave it up because I didn't believe- and that's still the case. Trouble is- over the past year or so- I've felt a Christian mindset creeping back up on me. I don't believe in the Christian God, I don't believe Jesus even ever existed, but I'm finding I totally believe in the Christian myth.  There never was a birth in a stable in Bethlehem- I'm almost certain of that- but the myth has me by the throat.  Myths are like poetry. They work in much the same way, by-passing the rational mind, by-passing explanation. I know Yeats's The Second Coming is a sublime poem and I know the Nativity is a sublime myth- but don't expect me to get to work on either with a scalpel because that's not how you treat the things you love.

So am I a Christian? I suppose it depends who's marking the papers. William Blake might accept me as one, but I don't think the Pope would. I am however, by the Church's own rules, still an Anglican priest. When I left (and whether I resigned or was sacked is a moot point) they may have put me on a black list somewhere, but they didn't defrock me- they didn't rescind my priesthood. I'm not in fact sure they could.

Just to complicate matters I am also a Pagan and a Witch.

Perhaps I don't need to make intellectual sense of all this. Perhaps...

And there I'm going to stop- still out in open country- with the Holy City of Sarras over the horizon and maybe not there at all.

I'll be away from LJ over Christmas. No reading, no writing. I think this could be a really good time to take a break.

Comments

[silverhawkdruid.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is going to make any sense to you at all, because I don't really understand it myself, but after years of avoiding church because I hated what it seemed to stand for, I recently became comfortable sitting through a church service again. For some reason, becoming a Pagan, and a Druid, has given me the insight into what was missing for me when I was a Christian. Even when I was a Bahai, I still didn't feel comfortable in a church setting, but now I have found Druidry I do. Now I understand the history a little better, and I do believe that Jesus was real, if a little over-hyped, I find it a comfortable place to be again, and I like that feeling. I am actually wishing I could attend Midnight Mass this year.

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

On the contrary, it makes perfect sense. I'm thinking of going to church myself this Christmas.

If I remember rightly the 18th century founders of modern Druidism were not only Anglican, but in certain cases Anglican clergymen.

[silverhawkdruid.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right about the Anglican link, although it is a fact that barely registers with me as a general rule. :-)