An Explanation Of Sorts

[poliphilo]

My posts are rarely exploratory. Usually I know the route I mean to take and where I hope to end up. Sometimes I'll happen upon an alternative path and- even more rarely- fetch up somewhere unexpected.  But I never find myself stopping short- out in open country as it were.

Except once or twice in the last few days. You know the posts I mean. They're all a bit gnomic. That's because I wasn't being quite honest, because I was editing too much out, because I was embarrassed to admit I didn't have a map.  They read like I'm laying down the law, but actually I'm asking questions. Real questions- ones I can't answer.

Here's where I'm at:
 
I was a priest. I gave it up. I'm not going back. I couldn't. I gave it up because I didn't believe- and that's still the case. Trouble is- over the past year or so- I've felt a Christian mindset creeping back up on me. I don't believe in the Christian God, I don't believe Jesus even ever existed, but I'm finding I totally believe in the Christian myth.  There never was a birth in a stable in Bethlehem- I'm almost certain of that- but the myth has me by the throat.  Myths are like poetry. They work in much the same way, by-passing the rational mind, by-passing explanation. I know Yeats's The Second Coming is a sublime poem and I know the Nativity is a sublime myth- but don't expect me to get to work on either with a scalpel because that's not how you treat the things you love.

So am I a Christian? I suppose it depends who's marking the papers. William Blake might accept me as one, but I don't think the Pope would. I am however, by the Church's own rules, still an Anglican priest. When I left (and whether I resigned or was sacked is a moot point) they may have put me on a black list somewhere, but they didn't defrock me- they didn't rescind my priesthood. I'm not in fact sure they could.

Just to complicate matters I am also a Pagan and a Witch.

Perhaps I don't need to make intellectual sense of all this. Perhaps...

And there I'm going to stop- still out in open country- with the Holy City of Sarras over the horizon and maybe not there at all.

I'll be away from LJ over Christmas. No reading, no writing. I think this could be a really good time to take a break.

Comments

[poliphilo.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that the nativity stories have all the hallmarks of myth- and lots of similarities to the nativity stories of other gods and heroes. That's not to say I don't believe in angels. In fact, I do.

I've come to find the kneejerk scientific materialism of the early 21st century rather tiresome. It had its uses once, but now it's becoming tyrannous and destructive.

Since I wrote this post I have been to church twice. It felt like a (low-key) home-coming. :)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I think I will go back also... but mostly because I realize one of the great functions of the church is to give families (particularly mothers with young children) somewhere to go, something to do and a place to meet other women in similar state.

Perhaps it indicates what's happening to our life cycle, that churches and religion are less "in vogue." If fewer young people feel the need to burden themselves with marriage and children, then yes, I imagine they will fail to realize how much they need a community. After all, what teenager thinks they need anyone?